As everyone was occupied with relating “chipping” humans with the so called “Antichrist,” they were too blind to notice that I had already arrived, decades ago. Furthermore, my first act of vengeance upon the human race was not one of direct aggression; no, I am too smart to stoop to such a glaringly obvious form of appropriation.
Since the word of God became an ordinary discussion in communities, all of those hypocritical snots debated when and where I was going to make my grand entrance in the land of the living. Their inquiries served as perfect excuses for them to avoid new age politics and technology. Oh, yes. Out of all the terrible creatures on Earth, I would choose the path of a deceitful world leader. Honey, let me break it to you. I don’t need a pitchfork-wielding following to see you all turn against your omnipotent “Savior” and scratch yourselves to death in a bloody paranoia. You guys are doing a great job of getting to that state without my assistance.
Admittedly though, when I take all the credit for dismantling humanity, it would be nice if there was something I could claim as my own doing. Now, all thanks to the gluttony that plagues you simpletons, I am able to do just that.
So, like the sneaky bitch that I am, first I seized your health.
You remember McDonald’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, and the other countless fast food joints, don’t you? Yeah, that was ALL me, and I’m fucking proud of it. Call me an egomaniac, but I legitimately do not believe another evil being could accomplish a greater feat as the expansion of the fast food industry.
I remember passing an old gal – I could smell the mini Bible in her bubblegum pink snakeskin purse – and as she was discussing the callousing of youth today relating to their Christian faith, she was also washing down a mouthful of Chipotle with a 32-ounce Diet Pepsi. Who knew the taste of victory had so many calories?
The ball is in your court now, humans. Well, it would be if any of you were interested in physical activity. And if you like the heat from that jalapeno cheddar melt, just you wait.