A Note To Humanity

As everyone was occupied with relating “chipping” humans with the so called “Antichrist,” they were too blind to notice that I had already arrived, decades ago. Furthermore, my first act of vengeance upon the human race was not one of direct aggression; no, I am too smart to stoop to such a glaringly obvious form of appropriation.

Since the word of God became an ordinary discussion in communities, all of those hypocritical snots debated when and where I was going to make my grand entrance in the land of the living. Their inquiries served as perfect excuses for them to avoid new age politics and technology. Oh, yes. Out of all the terrible creatures on Earth, I would choose the path of a deceitful world leader. Honey, let me break it to you. I don’t need a pitchfork-wielding following to see you all turn against your omnipotent “Savior” and scratch yourselves to death in a bloody paranoia. You guys are doing a great job of getting to that state without my assistance.

Admittedly though, when I take all the credit for dismantling humanity, it would be nice if there was something I could claim as my own doing. Now, all thanks to the gluttony that plagues you simpletons, I am able to do just that.

So, like the sneaky bitch that I am, first I seized your health.

You remember McDonald’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, and the other countless fast food joints, don’t you? Yeah, that was ALL me, and I’m fucking proud of it. Call me an egomaniac, but I legitimately do not believe another evil being could accomplish a greater feat as the expansion of the fast food industry.

I remember passing an old gal – I could smell the mini Bible in her bubblegum pink snakeskin purse – and as she was discussing the callousing of youth today relating to their Christian faith, she was also washing down a mouthful of Chipotle with a 32-ounce Diet Pepsi. Who knew the taste of victory had so many calories?

The ball is in your court now, humans. Well, it would be if any of you were interested in physical activity. And if you like the heat from that jalapeno cheddar melt, just you wait.

Heaven

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“Would you just hold still?” Laurie says, running her palm slick with spit up my forehead.

“I’ve been doing this every week for thirty-seven years; you’d think I would know how to prep myself before the sermon.”

She scoffs. “You’d think that, wouldn’t you?” Her cold beryl eyes, like daggers, stare into my welcoming green. It’s when her perfectly-plucked eyebrows pull together and her strawberry lips purse that I back off; I mustn’t start a fight with the domineering she-demon.

“Thank you, honey.” Those words taste foul, toxic even, but nevertheless I bite back my sharp rebuttals.

She claps my back, cackling, and hands me the car keys. “Don’t kid yourself, Charles. You know damn well I don’t fall for that bullshit.”

***

When we arrive at the church, I put her hand in mine and we meander the parking lot, stopping to greet our loyal audience, a crowd of Bible thumping hypocrites who strictly come to the house of worship for the gossip.

A woman in her thirties wearing a bright purple Georgette skirt stops us before we enter the church. “Good morning, Charles. Oh, and Laurie, I just want you to know that I took your advice on my little problem.” She winks. “It’s working just fine now.”

My wife and I display our false smile, the one that portrays a loving pastor and his wife. “It’s so nice to see you, Margaret.” I turn to Laurie. “I’ll let you two catch up, though. I’m afraid I am running late as it is.” Laurie nods and throws me her “you lucky sonofabitch” grin, allowing me to retreat into the brick building.

It only takes me a few minutes to set up the podium and clear the stage. And at 10 o’clock finally I am able to begin, just like all the other times.

I fumble my hands through Edgar Allen Poe’s short story compilation on the podium – a Bible cover is pasted flatly on the book’s face – and I pretend to turn to just the right page. Before I begin, I quietly clear my throat. “Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Today, we’re going to move on from the previous sermon about the birth of Christ and delve into a relatively short discussion of Heaven.

“So, when I ask you the question, ‘What is Heaven?’ I think we can all at least come up with some similar, albeit unique, versions of the spectacular place. We also spend a lot of time learning what we must do to reach eternal bliss as well as what it would be like. Will we know each other? What will we do? We simply don’t know. But what’s certain is that we will spend an eternity worshiping and seeing Jesus face to face, helping God run the universe.” I hear various amen and praise the good Lord from front aisle.

Laurie stands behind the last row, her face slightly distorted, and she nods toward me before exiting into the foyer. Catching the cue, I close my eyes and mutter, “Amen, indeed,” before raising my clenched fists into the air – my figure mocking the large crucifix hanging above me. As I open my eyes, the room begins to shake and plaques strung on the wall featuring the Stations of the Cross violently tremble and fall to the terracotta-colored carpet. I bring my fists together, casting my body in an emerald aura. The True King’s power flows out of me like smoke through a sieve.

The others sit perfectly still; their eyes stare forward and they do not blink; their arms rest at an angle in their laps. Cell phones, Bibles, purses, anything they were holding before the trance fall with a thud to the floor.

“Stand up and face the Lord; so too as you exit this life on your feet shall you enter the next prepared to stride to the Holy gate,” I call, and almost instantly the entire congregation obeys; the overly-religious elderly folks that always populate the front rows, the usually bouncy and disruptive children, the husbands who only come at the request of their wife – everyone stands straight, awaiting my next order. But there won’t be another order. Before I meet my wife, who was probably right outside the church’s front doors, I mutter a prayer of my own: “Please forgive me.”

“Your part is done, I assume?” My wife says outside, thumbing a green BIC cigarette lighter. She doesn’t stop focusing on dancing flame atop the lighter, a scarlet ballerina. I feel my body twitch as I watch her observing the fire.

“It’s not like I had a choice. You do the gasoline?”

“You couldn’t have missed the puddle in the foyer. And with these bricks, that place’ll be a furnace before you know it.”

With a final flick of the lighter, Laurie bends down to ignite the gasoline trail at our feet. I watch through the window as the floor in the foyer ignites into a massive carpet of fire. Pretty soon there isn’t anything that’s not blazing in the small church. Smoke froths through the cracks of the doors leading into the nave, where hundreds of paralyzed worshipers wait their turn in the line to Heaven.

“How many more times are we going to do this, before it’s enough?”

“Don’t play the angel, Charles. You’ll just end up in there with them. You made a deal with me, and you will keep it. Let’s not forget that you gave up your old family for a taste of His power.” She tosses the keys into my chest. “Now we leave, unless you wish to welcome the policemen and firemen when they roll in.”